A Writer, A Dreamer, A Daughter

When actions no longer make sense, words will speak

One Wild Ride

So here I am, sitting here at 4am, I should be asleep because I have a huge test tomorrow in my Organizational Behavior and Theory class, and yet I am wide awake. I’m not quite sure how to describe what’s on my mind right now because even I’m not entirely certain as to what’s being thought about. All I know is that I keep saying over and over in my head, “Max Weber’s Bureaucracy Theory includes Rules and Procedures, Hierarchy of Authority, Separation of Ownership, Documents, Technology Competence, Division of Labor, and Rights to Property of the Position…” Simply because I keep saying it over and over in my head hoping I’ll remember it tomorrow evening for my test, which by the way I intend on passing with an “A.”

I can’t exactly remember if I have told you all what’s currently going on in my life, but if I haven’t, now I will. (It’s been on my mind a lot recently).

So my parents separated a little over 5 months ago, and I moved in with my grandparents. Well, my mother, two younger brothers, and I moved in with my grandparents. To make a very very long story short; my dad cheated on my mom 8 years ago and then did it again recently within the past 5 months. My younger brother caught him posting nude and provocative photos on the internet to some Romanian woman whom he, myself, and my middle brother met while doing a Model UN camp over the summer…it didn’t end well. But the divorce has been a mess ever since and needless to say, it has taken one hell of a toll on this entire family. And I’ll explain why I brought the divorce up in a little bit, aside from just thinking about it.

I cannot begin to explain or describe the mental, emotional, physical, and even spiritual toll that it has taken on this family. We have all had many sleepless nights, lots of crying goes on, we miss our home and animals and our own beds, and we miss normality. And while I know none of that will probably ever come back, it is still nice to wonder. I literally sit up at night and wonder what it must feel like to have an entire house to yourself, lie to your loved ones, and cheat them out of life…I guess he doesn’t think about these things, he just acts on impulse.

Taken Christmas 2013

The reason I brought the divorce up is because it has taken a toll on my relationship recently. Oh yeah, I have been dating this absolutely amazing man named Matthew Fowle and it’s been about four months since we started dating. Anyway, recently we have been getting into these terrible arguments, and my go to has been to try and break up with him…yes, I know I am a terrible person, don’t worry, I know. And what’s even worse is that, for the absolute most part, he has done nothing wrong; it’s been all me. And I don’t want to leave him, I’ve just been worried about what could happen in the future…because I love him more than I have loved any man in my entire life. I would even say that he ranks above my father at this point. But I’ve been trying to take the easy way out because I am scared of the future. I’m pretty damn certain that I want to marry him. It’s this gut feeling that I have. As dumb as that sounds. But he truly is amazing. When I say that he gets me, I mean it. I can tell him anything and he listens, he tries to make everything better by supporting me through thick and thin, showing up when nobody else will, including me when nobody else does, showing me unconditional love…I could keep going. And maybe it took up until now to truly grasp how lucky I am to have him, because I know I take that for granted all the time. Hes a damn good man, so why not just go with it and see what happens?

 

It’s 4 am and I know I should be asleep resting before this test but writing was something I needed to do tonight. And I am glad I did.

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